Okay, the title may have been a wee bit misleading.

Don’t worry, I’m not some kind of evil person.  And no one in their right mind would admit to enjoying the sight of their partner hurting, suffering, or feeling guilty.  But I’m going to go out on a limb and say it- sometimes it just feels good to get a reaction!  But why is that?  First of all, think about when we usually feel this way.  It isn’t when our “Love Bucket” is full, and we feel good, overall, about our relationship.   Chances are, we feel this way when our partner has contributed to us feeling bad, upset, hurt, like a fool, etc.  We want to feel that they “get” us.  We want to know that they understand how we feel.

The truth is, we all seek empathy, validation, and acknowledgment; a sign that our partner feels for us.  And sometimes, when we don’t receive that organically, we try and TAKE IT, by any means necessary.

We may go after it aggressively through:

• Telling a sob story about how miserable we are, either to our partners or others.
• Talking about how our partner “never” or “always” does some action.
• Calling our partner names or criticizing them.
• Instigating a fight.

Or, passive aggressively, through:

• Giving our partner the silent treatment for minutes, hours, or days.
• Denying that anything is wrong when our partner asks.
• Withholding love/intimacy/attention/affection.
• Carrying a chip on our shoulder, then overreacting to something small or unrelated.

There must be an expected outcome or we simply wouldn’t resort to such silly, counterproductive, or downright mean behavior, am I right?  So just what do we expect when we use these techniques?  Well, I wonder if we’re really looking for an opening to talk, a What are you so angry about, or Why are you so mad?  Then we could say, Well, you ____________, that’s why!

Anger is safer and feels more empowering than the other emotions.

It’s not so easy to say, I’m sad, that really hurt, or You know, I think that may have triggered the insecurities I’ve had since childhood about [fill in the blank].  That level of vulnerability- baring your soul (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to your partner is scary.  We think they might reject us if they realize how needy, messed up, or sensitive we really are.  So we resort to something hard and tough- ANGER.  I’ll let you know you hurt me without having to say the actual words.

Schoolyard example: Bobby calls Willy a ‘loser’ in front of a group of boys.  Do you think Willy says, Wow, Bobby, that hurt my feelings and really embarrassed me.  I’d appreciate an apology.  Uh, no.  Willy pretty much slugs Bobby and calls it a day.  No need to access all those touchy-feely emotions and risk being seen as a cry-baby.  Yes, there are some exceptions to the rule.  I’ve seen kids that are excellent at identifying their feelings, but it is rare.  Most kids have gotten the message that crying is an inconvenience to others and makes them a “baby.”  We’re basically being taught to stuff our feelings, which leads to what… an explosive outburst of, you guessed it, ANGER.

So next time you find yourself fishing for a reaction from your partner, ask yourself, what am I really feeling at this moment?  Am I angry?  What was I feeling just before I became angry; was I sad, embarrassed, afraid, insecure, jealous, envious?  Anger is never just anger.  Think of ANGER as an umbrella and HURT as the rain.  The umbrella wouldn’t be there if not for the rain.  You take out your umbrella because it’s raining, just as, ANGER is present because you’re hurting.

Have you ever known someone who was angry a lot of the time?  I would be willing to bet that they have experienced some significant hurt, trauma, abandonment in their life that is still unresolved, so they have learned to use anger as a means of survival.

Scary people are scared.  Hurtful people are hurting.  

Help your partner help you by telling them what’s really going on EVERY TIME you feel upset.  Allow your mate inside your world so they can understand you better and possibly take part in healing those wounds.  If you don’t feel that your relationship is an “emotionally-safe” place to do this, consult a counselor and talk about your options for individual or couples counseling.  Staying in the anger is not only bad for your health and wellness; it’s bad for everyone around you.  But the bottom line is, it’s not an effective way to communicate and won’t get you the results you really want.

I’ll leave you with a few quotes I just LOVE:

“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a “keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved.” People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren’t bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.”   ― Will Bowen

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.”   ― Joel Osteen

Until next time, thanks for checking in!

Shelley Rodriguez 

Self Esteem

By Virginia Satir
I am me.  In all the world, there is no one exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it. I own everything about me, my body including everything it does; my mind including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes including the images of all they behold; my feelings whatever they may be…anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all the words that come out of it- polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me. By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.  I am me and I am okay.
—

Thank you Ms. Satir.  You were a gift to this crazy, mixed up world.

Reflecting:

What thoughts and feelings came up when you read Self Esteem?

Do you agree/disagree with all, some, or none of it? How so?

Can you think of three people from your childhood who gave you the message that you were unique, interesting, and perfect just as you were? Does anyone do this for you today?

Can you think of anyone who gave you the message that you weren’t good enough, were nothing special, ordinary, dull, or unimportant? How about today? Hint: Most women’s magazines are good at this.

Do you tend to automatically accept or reject delivery of these messages?

Now, try to imagine that the above poem is “THE TRUTH,” (because it is.) And so any time an opposing thought enters your mind, you shoo it away for the garbage that it is.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.”
Byron Katie

Next time you have a thought that is negatively skewed toward you; a thought that says you are to blame, a bad person, or somehow not enough, do some investigating. This process of inquiry is detailed in Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life:

1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought and then turn it around.

Another Katie Quote to Ponder:

“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.”

To learn more about Byron Katie’s work, check out her website here. Her ideas are simple & straightforward, yet powerful enough to create BIG change in your life and relationships.

To all the seekers out there, keep moving forward. You will become the YOU of your dreams…. but by the way, I think you’re already pretty magnificent.

Shelley

What do you think about this rather bold statement? Does this strike you as realistic, cynical, or just plain offensive?  Have you ever wondered where the idea originated, that a healthy marriage would be problem-free?  And why, in the year 2011, does Hollywood still insist upon the ‘happily ever after’ formula for their movies?  The ugly truth is, even the happiest of couples may have a number of unresolvable issues, things that they may never, EVER, come to an agreement on.  Not very romantic, huh?

Think about the issues that you repeatedly clash on as a couple… what would happen if you both agreed to disagree?  Imagine a scenario in which you could make this work.  How would you feel?  Would this change how you relate to one another?  Does this sound plausible? 

“HAPPY HOME” WORK:  Make a list of five to ten problems in your relationship. Share this list with your spouse and decide together, are these things we can live with, things we can conceivably work around, or things we absolutely will not stand for? If you answer the latter and still are unable to come to an acceptable resolution together, perhaps it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor, to facilitate the process of problem-solving in your relationship.  Together, the three of you can get to the bottom of what’s fixable, what’s not, and where to go from there.  

Until next time, here’s wishing you more peace and love in your relationship.

Shelley Rodriguez, LMFT, LPC

center for personal and relationship growth

So, what does that tell me?  A lot of you feel lost.  You are struggling to understand each other and taking shots in the dark.  You just know you want to be heard.  You also want to know why your partner acts the way they do.  Pretty simple.  But oh so hard to do! 

Because we all possess different personalities, tastes, preferences, hang-ups, and quirks; sooner or later, conflict is bound to arise.  It would be pretty boring if we all thought, felt and acted exactly the same way.  However, you want to be able to resolve conflict in such a way that makes you feel calmer and more connected to one another.  So, how do we go about creating this type of atmosphere, one in which opinions can be voiced, debates can take place, and differences can be hashed out?  Well, it’s all about the delivery.  Here are a few helpful hints for getting your point across without feeling like a bad-guy.

D-o soften your start-up.  Leading marriage expert, John Gottman found that the first three minutes of a conversation greatly influence the outcome. When we start off an exchange with a harsh, critical tone, we cause our partner to feel attacked and react defensively in turn.  Instead, approach your mate calmly, politely, and directly.  Watch how differently the interaction unfolds.

E-mbrace your anger.  You have a right to your feelings and your partner deserves to know what they are, preferably before they become a major issue.  Bottling your emotions can lead to a huge argument.  Letting the air out a small bit at a time, as issues arise, is a good way to keep the bottle from exploding.  Tell your partner why you’re upset, how you think the problem affects your relationship, and what you expect from him or her. 

L-isten to your partner.  This requires closing your mouth at the exact moment that you open your ears.  Sounds silly, but sometimes when we’re mad, it requires tremendous self-control to do.  Make sure to give your partner ample time to get their point across.  Instead of thinking of your next point while they are talking, listen attentively, nod, and say, “aha” so that they know you’re processing what they’re saying.

I–statements.  Tell your partner how you see things using “I” statements.  For example, “I feel scared when…” or, “When the bedroom is messy, I feel…”.  The idea here is to let your partner in on how things are for you, not to attack their character or blame them for the situation.  This type of approach can really open things up or turn the most heated discussion around. 

V-isualize resolution.  Imagine the possibility of you and your partner coming to a compromise and keep that in mind as the end goal of the conversation.  Sometimes things get so carried away; we can forget what we’re fighting for.  Remember, that if you love your partner, you will want to come to a compromise or resolution in which both parties are happy.  Winning is NOT your goal.    

E-xpress affection, fondness, and humor when you feel it.  Cracking a joke, or saying something silly during a serious moment lowers your defenses, increases feelings of positivity, and helps you gain better perspective.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  But don’t confuse sarcasm with humor; sarcasm is intended to poke fun at your mate, which can be highly toxic to a relationship.

R-espect your partner.  This means no getting physically or verbally aggressive.  Examples of this are name-calling, cursing, raising your voice, pounding a table, balling your fists, slamming a door, throwing things, eye-rolling, mocking your partner’s voice, pointing your finger, throwing your hands up, threatening anything- including divorce, walking away when your partner is talking, or behaving in any other way that does not convey respect.    

Y-ou be the therapist.  Marriage counselors work to slow down the wheels of a runaway train of anger, uncover hidden emotions, and highlight what you are doing RIGHT.  A couple can learn to do this for themselves.  As a conversation goes on, check in with your partner, reflect back to them what you think they’re saying, validate their feelings, and help them stay on track.

Let’s face it, communication is a difficult skill to master.  But with practice, improving on your delivery can’t help but strengthen your relationship.  Who doesn’t want to be better understood?  Hopefully, these tips will help you navigate your way through the scary world of arguing with your mate and get you to the other side- resolution and feeling closer than ever before! 

Until next time, keep talking!

Shelley Rodriguez MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Licensed Professional Counselor
san antonio marriage counselor
san antonio couples counseling

Phone a friend- talking about what’s bothering you is, in and of itself, therapeutic.

Take a warm bubble bath.

Go to a bookstore, pick a book out, and read it in the coffee shop or on the patio.

Take walk in nature and practice mindfulness- paying attention to small details that our minds naturally overlook.

Take a yoga or Tai Chi class.  http://www.thesynergystudio.com/

Take 30 minutes and just write- journal everything your thinking, feeling, and doing until you run out of things to say. 

Play in a sandbox.

Go shopping at your local farmer’s market.

Have a good cry.  Here’s why you should:  http://www.scienceiq.com/Facts/ScienceOfTears.cfm

Go for a jog or a hike, and don’t forget your iPod.  Pick music that’s upbeat and cheery to really get you going.

Garden- plant something. Dig in the dirt. Watch something grow!

Fly a kite or toy airplane.

Enjoy a cheese plate or delicious dessert over a game of Scrabble. http://www.candlelightsa.com/index.html

Buy an arts and crafts project- make a bracelet, color a fuzzy poster or arrange some flowers.

Meditate.

Volunteer to help animals or people in your community. http://www.volunteermatch.org/

Sing karaoke.  It’s freeing!

Clean out your junk drawer or closet.  A cluttered house = a cluttered mind.

Create a vision board by hand.  http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Use_a_Vision_Board_to_Activate_the_Law_of_Attraction.html

Create an electronic vision board online: http://www.visionboardsite.com/slideshow101.php?b_id=39

 Play outside with your kids or pets.  Get dirty and break a good sweat.

Care for your skin- get a massage or facial.   http://www.skinrejuvenation.com/

Sit in a quiet room, close your eyes and just smile for a whole two minutes.

Ride a bike.

Think of something you would normally do, and do the exact opposite.

Play an instrument.

Have some hot tea.  http://www.madhatterstea.com/

Write down what’s bothering you and then tear it up into confetti and throw it up in the air!

Watch a funny movie. http://www.drafthouse.com/

Take in a comedy show. http://www.lolsanantonio.com/

Blow bubbles.

Join a gym or fitness boot camp. http://www.alamocrossfit.com/

Get a professional shampoo and blow-out.

Clean your house to music.  Promise yourself a treat once the work is done, like a pedicure, a treat from Starbucks, or new electronic toy from Best Buy.

Budget your retail therapy for the month and only spend what you have allotted yourself.

Learn about wine at a tasting, like the one at http://www.audenskitchen.com/

Listen to some live music.

Go swimming.

Paint something.  http://www.paintedplatestudio.com/

And lastly, get into therapy.  Find a therapist on www.psychologytoday.com,  www.counsel-search.com, or www.theravive.com and give yourself the gift of being heard.

How often do YOU engage in therapeutic activities?  How do you feel afterwards?  Do you see any value in doing things that are therapeutic?  Or do you feel guilty, or selfish, when you take “ME” time?  Where do you think your beliefs about this originated; your upbringing, culture, or career field?  Would you like to change that belief, or is it helpful to you? 

Therapy is anything that has a healing or restorative quality for you.  Come up with some ideas of your own and begin to take a proactive role in your Mental Wellness.  See yourself as valuable and therefore, worth the time, money, and extra effort.  When we see ourselves as valuable, others can’t help but follow suit.   

“We may define therapy as a search for value.” Abraham Maslow

Thanks for reading!  Until next time- be kind, unwind.

Shelley Rodriguez, MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Licensed Professional Counselor
san antonio couples counseling

1. Have a pow-wow with your mate about the rules of Facebook engagement.  Find out where your partner stands on contact with exes, IMing, etc.  A five-minute conversation can prevent a lot of heartache down the line.
2. Give your partner full access to roam around your profile if they so choose.
3. Sometimes, it’s harder to respect boundaries when you’re just typing.  We tend to type things we wouldn’t necessarily say.  If you have to hide or look over your shoulder in fear when you make a post or look at pics, that’s a sign that you’re doing something you know is wrong.  Just make it a rule not to electronically engage in anything you wouldn’t physically do in front of your partner. 
4. If you have a history of infidelity in your relationship, consider having a shared Facebook page in which both partners are represented equally in the profile.  This creates a sense of unity and promotes a sense of we-ness, instead of me-ness in a relationship that is probably more vulnerable to external factors.
5. Lose the pictures of your exes.  If you wouldn’t have a framed pic of them in your home, they have no place in your FB photo albums.
6. Spending too much time updating your Facebook page when you’re with your partner can fuel the fires of insecurity.  When you’re together, put each other first and turn off the laptop or smartphone.
7. Be proud of your mate and make it official with your FB relationship status.  If you ever need to change your status, discuss it with your partner FIRST before announcing it to the world.
8. Don’t post private pictures of you and/or your partner, or send extra-personal messages via FB.  It’s important for a couple’s sense of solidarity to keep some things sacred and special between them.
9. Be selective about your FB friends.  When adding a new friend, ask yourself if their intentions for making contact are honorable.  Is this someone you believe fully supports you and your partner being together?  Are they on friendly terms with your partner, or would they be if they met today?  Is this someone who would potentially cause harm with something they post? 
10. Talk about any feelings of insecurity or anger as soon as they come up.  If something on FB makes you feel uncomfortable, sit down with your partner as soon as possible and have a calm, frank discussion.  Try not to blame or attack them; just share how the situation makes you feel.  Start with, “I feel scared when I read this,” or, “I would like it if you would…”.  View the discussion as a game plan for preserving the relationship that you cherish so much. 

At the end of the day, ask yourself what is more important to me, my Facebook page or my relationship?  Do right by your partner and adhere to the Facebook rules you agree upon together.  In this new world of social media, your relationship can not only survive, but thrive!

Until next time, keep talking, sharing, and dreaming together!

Shelley Rodriguez, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Licensed Professional Counselor
san antonio couples counseling

There are many different stories about the true origin of Valentine’s Day. My favorite, quite possibly completely-fabricated, story is about a man named St. Valentine, who lived around 270 A.D. St. Valentine was a hopelessly-romantic, defiant, pistol of a priest who married young couples at a time when it was deemed illegal by Emperor Claudius II. Ol’ Claude figured married men weren’t as eager to march off to battle as single ones. Somebody blabbed and St. Val was jailed, where miraculously, he healed his jailer’s daughter’s blindness. Oh yeah, he also fell in love with her and wrote her what is known as The First Ever Valentine just before he was put to death on, you guessed it, February 14th.

You can Google ‘Valentine’s Day’ and find this story plus many others, but this one resonated with me. It’s about being true to what you believe in NO MATTER WHAT. St. Valentine believed in love, so much that he died for it.

So this Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to celebrate the hero inside who stays true to what you believe and who acts, speaks, and thinks in a manner that demonstrates that belief. How often are you doing things, even little things, that you do not feel in tune with? Ask yourself, “If I was not being paid, or pushed, or guilted into this, would I still do it?” If your answer is a resounding, “Heck, No!” then perhaps, it is not your work to do.

That’s not to say that everything you do will be easy. Even when I’m working out, cursing under my breath, if I am honest with myself, there is a voice deep in my soul saying, “Keep going. This is right. This is what your body was meant to do.”

You see, too often we deny our true desires. We do everything we can to silence our Self. Your True Self doesn’t want a donut. Your True Self doesn’t want that trendy material object, or drugs, or alcohol. Your True Self doesn’t even want to be in a perpetual state of comfort, like the commercials would have us believe. Your True Self wants to live fully and feel happy. It’s up to you to listen to what your Happy is and just do more of that. Don’t hold your happiness hostage by worrying about what others will think or say. Don’t imagine all of the things that could go wrong if you start following your heart more. Don’t pretend to know exactly what the outcome will be. You don’t have a crystal ball, but you do have a bright blue Sharpie, so start scribbling!!

This Valentine’s Day, it’s time to get in touch with YOU. Love YOU. Be kind to YOU. Be true to YOU.

Now some of you are wondering, “How do I get to know myself,” or worse, “Who am I without my partner, child, job…?” I would suggest taking a long walk, weekend trip or extra-long excursion à la Eat Pray Love and find out… soon. YOUR life is waiting.

Here are a few questions to help you start the process of knowing thyself!
1. What would I do with my time if had no need to make money?
2. What would I do if I knew it would not fail?
3. What am I most afraid of? How would I survive if that very thing happened?
4. Am I focusing on people (even on TV/Internet) that bring me up, and tend to see potential and possibility?
5. Am I giving attention to people who bring me down, or seem to point out limitations?
6. What would I want my tombstone to read?
7. How many times a day do I stifle my real feelings?
8. Am I living authentically? What would my 100-year-old Self tell me to do differently?

I leave you with an excerpt from one of the best books I have ever read, A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Thanks for reading and until next time, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day standing in your Truth. 
Shelley Rodriguez MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Licensed Professional Counselor
san antonio marriage counselor
san antonio couples counseling

 10 Rules for Couples Who Would Like to Stay That Way

1. Never argue after dark.  You’re tired, crabby, and more likely to make rash decisions.  Nothing good will ever come of it.
2. Never ask him how your hair, clothes, or shoes look.  He has no idea.  If you cannot resist the urge to ask, be ready when he gives you his opinion.  And do take his advice, his is the only opinion you should care about anyway.  If you are thinking this rule contradicts itself, see rule 3.
3. Women, at least the interesting ones, are often full of contradictions.  You will come to understand the way her mind works if you are patient enough to listen.
4. Facebook is not Neverland. If you post questionable material, be prepared for questioning.  As a rule of thumb, always post things as if your partner is reading over your shoulder.
5. Never assume your guy knows what you’re feeling.  You don’t even know half the time.  Am I right?
6. Guess what fellas?  The sight of you dusting or vacuuming is like fantasy for her.  Really.
7. Always ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to bring us closer together, or is it going to incite rage?”  If you answer the latter, just bite your lip and let the moment pass.  You’ll have plenty of opportunities to make your partner angry without even trying, so just don’t do it.
8. Guys, do not share stories about your past if they involve a keg stand, a sorority house, or a donkey.  She doesn’t want to know this information.  Repeat after me, she doesn’t want to know!
9. Ladies, do not compare your partner to past boyfriends.  If they were so wonderful, you would still be with them.
10. Last but not least, do not use the words “never” or “always” with your partner.  There is one exception: “I will never forget to always say I love you’”.

Keep these rules in mind as you navigate this modern world and remember, sometimes in relationships we have to lead by example.  In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”  Before you ask your mate to change this year, ask yourself, “Am I following all of the rules?” 

And until next time, thanks for boppin’ in!

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and bona fide Libra, I’m fascinated by all things involving the growth and evolution of people and their relationships.  Sometimes my blog entries will be on the more serious side, and at other times, light & silly, even satirical.  My hope is that what you read here will make you think, feel, or do something… something different.  Please keep your questions, comments, reactions and reflections coming.  This will serve as an open forum where we can all learn, grow, ponder, dream, share and change.

So if you’re reading this, thank you!  And until next time—In the new year, will YOU resolve to evolve?

Shelley Rodriguez MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist/Licensed Professional Counselor
san antonio marriage counselor
san antonio marriage counseling