Tags
acknowledgment, anger, communication, empathy, hurt, Joel Osteen quote, passive aggressive, relationship problems, validation, Will Bowen quote
Okay, the title may have been a wee bit misleading.
Don’t worry, I’m not some kind of evil person. And no one in their right mind would admit to enjoying the sight of their partner hurting, suffering, or feeling guilty. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say it- sometimes it just feels good to get a reaction! But why is that? First of all, think about when we usually feel this way. It isn’t when our “Love Bucket” is full, and we feel good, overall, about our relationship. Chances are, we feel this way when our partner has contributed to us feeling bad, upset, hurt, like a fool, etc. We want to feel that they “get” us. We want to know that they understand how we feel.
The truth is, we all seek empathy, validation, and acknowledgment; a sign that our partner feels for us. And sometimes, when we don’t receive that organically, we try and TAKE IT, by any means necessary.
We may go after it aggressively through:
- Telling a sob story about how miserable we are, either to our partners or others.
- Talking about how our partner “never” or “always” does some action.
- Calling our partner names or criticizing them.
- Instigating a fight.
Or, passive aggressively, through:
- Giving our partner the silent treatment for minutes, hours, or days.
- Denying that anything is wrong when our partner asks.
- Withholding love/intimacy/attention/affection.
- Carrying a chip on our shoulder, then overreacting to something small or unrelated.
There must be an expected outcome or we simply wouldn’t resort to such silly, counterproductive, or downright mean behavior, am I right? So just what do we expect when we use these techniques? Well, I wonder if we’re really looking for an opening to talk, a What are you so angry about, or Why are you so mad? Then we could say, Well, you ____________, that’s why!
Anger is safer and feels more empowering than the other emotions.
It’s not so easy to say, I’m sad, that really hurt, or You know, I think that may have triggered the insecurities I’ve had since childhood about [fill in the blank]. That level of vulnerability- baring your soul (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to your partner is scary. We think they might reject us if they realize how needy, messed up, or sensitive we really are. So we resort to something hard and tough- ANGER. I’ll let you know you hurt me without having to say the actual words.
Schoolyard example: Bobby calls Willy a ‘loser’ in front of a group of boys. Do you think Willy says, Wow, Bobby, that hurt my feelings and really embarrassed me. I’d appreciate an apology. Uh, no. Willy pretty much slugs Bobby and calls it a day. No need to access all those touchy-feely emotions and risk being seen as a cry-baby. Yes, there are some exceptions to the rule. I’ve seen kids that are excellent at identifying their feelings, but it is rare. Most kids have gotten the message that crying is an inconvenience to others and makes them a “baby.” We’re basically being taught to stuff our feelings, which leads to what… an explosive outburst of, you guessed it, ANGER.
So next time you find yourself fishing for a reaction from your partner, ask yourself, what am I really feeling at this moment? Am I angry? What was I feeling just before I became angry; was I sad, embarrassed, afraid, insecure, jealous, envious? Anger is never just anger. Think of ANGER as an umbrella and HURT as the rain. The umbrella wouldn’t be there if not for the rain. You take out your umbrella because it’s raining, just as, ANGER is present because you’re hurting.
Have you ever known someone who was angry a lot of the time? I would be willing to bet that they have experienced some significant hurt, trauma, abandonment in their life that is still unresolved, so they have learned to use anger as a means of survival.
Scary people are scared. Hurtful people are hurting.
Help your partner help you by telling them what’s really going on EVERY TIME you feel upset. Allow your mate inside your world so they can understand you better and possibly take part in healing those wounds. If you don’t feel that your relationship is an “emotionally-safe” place to do this, consult a counselor and talk about your options for individual or couples counseling. Staying in the anger is not only bad for your health and wellness; it’s bad for everyone around you. But the bottom line is, it’s not an effective way to communicate and won’t get you the results you really want.
I’ll leave you with a few quotes I just LOVE:
“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a “keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved.” People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren’t bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.” ― Will Bowen
“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.” ― Joel Osteen
Until next time, thanks for checking in!
